Google AI Now Organizing Photos By Nasal Size

SUNNYVALE, CA — In an effort to clarify the distinctions between individual people, Google announced during its yearly keynote that it was launching Google Nose, an AI program advanced enough to organize people's photos by small nose, medium nose, and large-nose categories.

"AI is evolving at a breakneck speed," said VP of Product Samar Wazer at the presentation for Google Nose. "We here at Google are committed to harnessing that advancing power and putting it to work in ways that can be beneficial for everyone. We are thrilled to announce one such feature, the nose recognition program, which we lovingly call Google Nose, now built into Google Photos."

Sergey Brin, who has recently returned to work at Google parent company Alphabet, was reportedly the principal driver behind Google Nose. "Those are rumors," said Wazer when asked about Brin's involvement. "I can't confirm whether he has a nose fetish, nor can I talk about the rumored Google Nose+ which will reportedly be able to recognize and categorize Nasal columella lengths. Baseless rumors."

Consumers have expressed concerns over privacy relating to information collected about their noses and the noses of people in their photos, but Google has assured them they will protect their privacy by storing nose size data securely in their private cloud.

At publishing time, Google had been already facing lawsuits from organizations that felt they were being targeted by automatic categorizations in Google Photos such as the American Small Nose Society, the American Medium Nose Society, and Medium Nose Lives Matter.