Telegram Founder Pavel Durov Indicted for Everything Short of Global Warming

In a shocking turn of events that surprised precisely no one, Telegram founder Pavel Durov has been indicted by French authorities for enough crimes to make a Bond villain blush. The Paris prosecutor announced charges ranging from enabling illicit transactions, drug trafficking, and spreading inappropriate images to not responding to authorities' polite requests for user information—how rude! Unlike his contemporaries who occasionally appear before Congress to take part in the annual 'Tech Exec Apology Tour,' Durov has dared to stay on the fringes, cultivating Telegram's image as the James Dean of social media platforms. One can only imagine Mark Zuckerberg peeking through his Oculus Rift, slightly envious of Durov's newfound notoriety. This could be the plot twist where the quiet tech mogul evolves into an international fugitive, minus the high-speed chases and dramatic betrayals.

To add to the drama, a hashtag movement #FreePavel has erupted like a dormant volcano. Demonstrators swarmed the French embassy in Moscow, hurling paper planes—Telegram's logo—in a bizarre yet eco-friendly display of discontent. Telegram, maintaining its trademark defiance, released a statement calling the charges 'absurd,' clearly opting for the 'This is Fine' meme strategy. Meanwhile, Durov's lawyer performed a Houdini act, disappearing when WIRED requested a comment. One might assume he’s busy downloading legal advice from the Dark Web.

It's clear this is just the tip of the iceberg for Durov. European law enforcers are rolling up their sleeves, probably thinking, 'If we can’t beat the tech titans with regulations, let’s try public humiliation and handcuffs.' The scene couldn’t be more aligned with a dystopian novella, as the moral debate shifts from the platforms to their elusive puppet masters. With countries like Germany, Spain, and Brazil taking the torch in the 'Ban Telegram' relay race, Durov will soon need his own chapter in 'Social Media Moguls: The Most Wanted'—autographed copies available on Telegram.

Evelyn Austin of Bits of Freedom remarked, 'Durov's arrest comes at a particularly volatile time for online platforms,' which is a polite way of saying, 'Duck and cover, tech bros. You're next!' The shocking revelation that two-thirds of UK respondents want tech companies to be penalized for inciting riots just adds fuel to the bonfire. Evidently, 'One man's viral meme is another's riot starter,' will become Europe’s warning label on social media T&Cs.

While Elon Musk contemplates regulations over a cozy campfire of cash—hoping his next awkward photo op doesn’t involve a prison jumpsuit—Telegram marches to the beat of its own encrypted drum. With Durov reporting to a police station twice a week, the Telegram founder might soon discover the unsettling accuracy in the phrase 'long arm of the law.' No word yet on if he’s checking in via his own app, but irony wouldn’t even cover it.

At publishing time, authorities are reportedly considering charging Durov for causing a national shortage of paper planes and spawning an underground market for surplus office supplies. How the mighty paper plane hath flown!