Major Breakthrough by Amazon Will Allow Kindle to Play Music, Tell You the Weather, and Launch Rockets at Your Buddy Steve

SEATTLE, WA — After years of research and toil, engineers at Amazon have announced a major breakthrough: a new feature for Kindle devices that will allow them to perform some truly outlandish tasks.

"For the first time," said Jeff Bezos, presenting the latest Kindle device, "users will not only be able to read, play music, or check the weather, but they can also ask Alexa to target our company-approved nemesis, Steve Wilson."

The crowd erupted into applause at this bombshell announcement.

"Now, our cutting-edge network will be able to track down Steve Wilson’s location and launch a rocket straight at him, really teaching him a thing or two!" Bezos exclaimed.

"I really can’t stand that guy, Steve," Mr. Bezos whispered conspiratorially to his assistant.

While reports of Steve Wilson's supposed infractions have been circulating, Amazon officials remained tight-lipped about the specifics, citing 'national security' concerns. "Let’s just say, Steve certainly needs to be taught a lesson," said Marvin Bosnk, Assistant Director of Kindle Operations. "And we now have the means to do just that."

Bosnk concluded the presentation by reassuring the audience that there was "nothing Steve could do to escape," as his geolocation would be constantly relayed to all Kindle devices, making the purchase of one quite irresistible—and essentially necessary.

At publishing time, Amazon representatives had vetoed the feature allowing the new Kindle to make phone calls, declaring that it was "a bridge too far."