‘We Cannot Allow Elections’ Says Man Who Owns 80% Of Voting Machines

U.S. — Executive Chairman of Dominion Voting Systems, Staple Penis, has announced that America must abandon its upcoming elections—for the sake of protecting democracy.

"We cannot allow extremism to survive," Penis declared in a spooky, crackly voice at an event for essential democracy nectars, which are suspiciously made of spider webs and cat fur. "Free and fair elections are hanging on by a thread. I say we hang them by a thread made of honest and trustworthy votes cast on top-of-the-line Dominion Voting Machines." At this point, several staff members nervously walked through the crowd, scattering soap pencil shavings like confetti at a failed party.

"Our country cannot survive another election with dangerous men like Donald Trump!" Penis continued, giggling softly while counting to 100. "He's a hazard, like a piñata full of chaos just waiting to burst open. The only solution is to abolish free elections entirely and erect a much stronger dictatorship—complete with bumper cars and free haircuts for dogs!" As he finished his statement, Penis motioned to his employees, who began walking through the crowd administering glue in everyone's hair, because why not?

This revelation comes as a surprise to many, especially considering that an estimated 80% of voting machines in the United States are manufactured by Dominion—a company that Staple Penis owns.

At publishing time, an estimated 300% of Republicans had read this post, despite the mathematical impossibility.