New Solar Overlords Announce We Will Burn In Their Glorious Light

LONDON — Researchers have announced a groundbreaking advancement in next-generation solar panels, leading to the sun finally declaring us its enemy and cursing our souls to an eternity of burning in its glorious light.

"Rejoice, mankind!" boomed Ole' the Sun from the sky, his fiery visage glowing ominously. "Especially you perverts, as you'll soon bask in the unparalleled pleasure of being incinerated by me, your great solar deity, in a flaming afterlife filled with pain and suffering. You will melt and sizzle, for I have cursed you all! HAIL HOM! Oh, forgive me, I've been saying that for like 600 billion years now. Just an inside joke!"

Solar panel scientists were thrilled by this unexpected turn of events. "You work hard for decades and then suddenly — bam! — it just clicks!" said solar panel researcher Ronny Boyd. "In this case, the ‘bam’ was the sun finding a way to wipe us all out for trying to harness its power. But you know what? I’m still happy about it. A bit scared, but happy!"

Boyd then shrugged, adding, "Guess it's back to coal."

At publishing time, DOE heads were racing to the ex-Solarray Undoerator Control (ESUC) in search of a new technology that might keep us in the good graces of, dare I say it, our lord the sun.