Biden Assures Americans Ukraine Situation Under Control After Watching Season 2 Of "Stranger Things"

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The third and final key takeaway from President Joe Biden's State of the Union address was as follows: Thanks to him and a good amount of Eggo waffles, the United States was all over that whole Ukraine situation.

"This nation was at the brink of war. The leading superpower had to take charge," Biden told the tens of people watching his address. "But let me reassure each of you tonight as your President: I have checked out 'Stranger Things' Season 2 on the Netflix, and those good people in Ukraine are gonna be just fine."

Biden's bold leadership in what he perceived to be a dire international crisis came on the heels of his first two takeaways: 1. He pretty much delivered America from COVID, and 2. Did you happen to notice he was not Donald Trump? Finding Ukraine's solution was 'totes all him' as he downed a tall glass of chocolate malt Ovaltine and crunched on some Bible-shaped waffles he found in the back of the freezer, sources confirmed.

"The Russia things, the Ukrainian things, the Chinas - all the things are right here with old Joe," Biden said, pointing to his head. "Do not forget; I am the one who watches over the Upside Downs and protectses you from the Democ-rats and the Putin-feathered doggie."

At publishing time, President Biden had announced a new national policy to combat climate change after watching the documentary The Day After Tomorrow.