Apple Launches New Single-Person Surveillance Helicopter For Chinese Market

BEIJING — In a bold move to boost waning sales in China, Apple executives have unveiled their latest creation: a single-person surveillance helicopter specifically tailored for Chinese officials.

Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the iCopYX at a press conference, touting it as a cutting-edge, data-centric flying machine ideal for all of the government's basic oppressive needs.

"With its classic sleek design and user-friendly interface, the new iCopYX is simply unmatched for surveillance tasks," Cook declared with a grin. "It outperforms any state control vehicle on the market, all while featuring a lightweight frame for those times when you need to chase down dissidents in tight alleyways."

"We really believe you’re going to love how efficient the new iCopYX is in following those pesky dissidents into the shadows," he added as the audience erupted in applause.

Equipped with biometric entry, nine high-resolution cameras, and a Stage 25 three-dimensional FLIR system, the iCopYX promises to keep a watchful eye on the populace. Buyers can choose between luxurious leather seats or rugged ballistic seating—complete with or without belt restraints for that added sense of freedom.

As of the time of publication, Apple had rolled out the iCopYX exclusively for the Chinese market, announcing that all vital information collected during flights would remain U.S.-owned, ensuring that surveillance is not only efficient but profitably American.