Rescue Dog Unsure Whether You're About To Pet Him Or Check His Poop For RSV

KANSAS CITY, MO — Recent shelter rescue Boston Terrier, Teddy, is facing an existential crisis. He can't tell if the new family member is about to shower him with affection or inspect his poop for RSV.

"Hey lil' poochy! Lil' buddy! I lubba lubba lil' buddy! How you doin' lil' buddy? Come here and gimme the lickin's!" chirped new family member and lab researcher, Dr. Harker. "Lemme petcha! Lemme rub that cute lil' head. Lemme ruffle up that fur. Lemme massage those ears. You're a good bo–"

Suddenly, Dr. Harker's voice trailed off mid-sentence. Teddy, overwhelmed by joy, was snapped back to reality when he noticed Dr. Harker now hunched down over his fresh poop, wielding one of those sticks with a spoon on the end, typically reserved for sample collection.

"No fair," thought Teddy. "One minute I’m the star of a heartwarming family video, and the next I’m just a biohazard waiting to be analyzed!"

At publishing time, only the distant sound of a UPS truck rumbling down the block had managed to distract Teddy from those piercing eyes that seemed to peer straight into his very soul.