Sheriff Apologizes For Putting Tiny Little Baby Criminals In Scary Ole Jail

CHICAGO, IL — A sheriff's department in the Chicago metro area has issued a heartfelt apology after arresting several armed robbers, admitting that locking up the poor little rascals in scary old jail cells was just too harsh for their delicate constitutions.

Buddington's Cook County Sheriff's Department apprehended multiple pint-sized perps suspected of committing armed robbery, only to realize later that the dingy jail cells may have been a bit too much for these tiny troublemakers.

“I am truly sorry for being so severe,” the sheriff stated in an emotional press conference. “They are only teeny weeny criminal babies after all! We shouldn't have been so rough on them; they clearly didn’t know any better. From now on, I will hang my head in shame daily until I have regained the trust of my community.”

Critics of the department have expressed that the officers should have treated these little munchkins with far more respect and empathy rather than resorting to such aggressive methods.

“We will do better,” the sheriff reiterated. “We are currently collaborating with community leaders to figure out the best way to seek restitution for our innocent little miscreants. We’re looking forward to finding more compassionate solutions for violence in our community than locking up our most precious members, the gun-toting goonies.”

Sources within the sheriff's office have hinted that restitution plans might include an extravagant apology luncheon at a Hilton banquet room in downtown Chicago or perhaps providing grocery shopping money in the form of Aldi gift cards.

At publishing time, the sheriff's office announced that three police officers had been fired, and upper management had been demoted to atone for treating the tiny criminals like caged gerbils instead of giving them the plush treatment they truly deserve, like fluffy little bunny rabbits.