Coffee Snobs Perplexed By New Barista Pour-Over Scale That Does Not Spy On All Their Text Messages

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Coffee aficionados across the country are reportedly puzzled by a new coffee scale that doesn't spy on their texts, track them everywhere, and send their private information to China.

The Fellow Tally Pro, a pour-over digital scale, boasts many wonderful features, but so far the device seems unable to monitor text messages or track keystrokes, a common feature of pour-over scales made by the company Acaia. "How does Fellow expect us to enjoy their product without having our privacy completely stripped away?" pondered local coffee connoisseur Glenn Gentry. "I contacted their Facebook page to ask if their scale follows my social media activity and identifies everyone I come within five feet of, but they just ignored my comment. I'm beginning to think the Fellow scale doesn't even steal intimate photographs of me from my Photos app. That's the only reason I started drinking pour-over — to be spied on and data-mined like everyone with an Acaia scale."

Questions have begun arising about how the new Fellow Tally Pro will keep improving without access to private data.

"Fellow's coffee scale can weigh precisely to a hundredth of a gram," said coffee shop owner Derek Gold. "How can it be that exact without secretly watching people on their phones through their cameras and reading sensitive financial info like my Acaias do?"

Hoping to fend off their growing anger toward a scale that doesn't steal private information, Fellow launched a caffeinated ad campaign touting their pouring scale's awesome features. "We added a function to improve your 'flow technique!'" assured a spokesman for the company. "It doesn't read email headers or scrape bank accounts, but it automatically tracks flow speed and keeps it consistent!"

Fellow's "Tally Pro" rivals began removing their constant pop-up ads for reverse mortgages and leggings from Acaia users' phones in retaliation.

At publishing time, a minor glitch in the Fellow coffee scale was reported to the company. In hindsight, experimenting by making an even stronger coffee was a mistake: owners said their scale winked, said "Well Hi There Cowboy," and that their phones had offered them warm slippers and a puff on a bubble pipe.