Apple Celebrates Its Own Birthday With Another Over-the-Top Emotional Video About ... Itself

CUPERTINO, CA — In an unprecedented move, Tim Cook has announced plans for Apple to celebrate its birthday with a truly heartfelt video dedicated to... Apple.

"This video is exactly the kind Apple deserves," Cook declared at the premiere, attended by a handpicked group of Apple employees who later whispered to us under the condition of anonymity, likely while clutching their latest devices. "Apple's journey is nothing short of heroic."

The video — entitled "The Incredible Story of Apple" — artfully chronicled the origins of the tech giant. Sources confirm it included all the expected drama and feel-good moments reminiscent of Apple's award-winning series, "The Underdogs." Think excitement, suspense, and a heavy dose of humanity.

The film creatively utilized the letters of 'Apple' to narrate its tale:

• A - Ambition

• P - Push Boundaries

• 2nd P - Partner Relationships

• L - Let The Brainstorm Begin

• E - Excellence

One staffer noted the film was "100% riveting" and added, "Steve would be so proud. Or confused. Probably both!"

In a twist that surely brought tears to the eyes of many, the film concluded with fan-favorite cameos from every Apple employee ever idolized, ranging from the legendary Steve Jobs to everyone's favorite quirky figure, Tim Apple.

"This is how you make us forget our cyanophobia," one anonymous employee remarked while holding a contraband Apple-branded whiskey glass. "We toasted to Apple at least five times during the screening!"

At publishing time, the documentary had been submitted to the Academy of Arts and Sciences for an immediate Oscar consideration and a potential place in the hearts of consumers everywhere.