Linux Virus Doesn't Disrupt Anything Since No One Is Using Linux

LEE’S SUMMIT, MO — Josh Melton, Information Technology Director at Lee’s Summit West High School, reported earlier today that a new cryptocurrency-mining virus targeting unsuspecting local Linux computers has sparked a major revelation: No one uses Linux!

Melton noted that the virus, which was supposed to wreak havoc on district devices and networks, has had absolutely no visible effect.

“It’s almost like they didn’t leave a trace,” Melton chuckled. “Our entire network looks completely normal. There’s no disruption to normal operations at all. It's like the privacy policy of Linux suddenly came to life—no one noticed!”

He did caution that users should be aware of the classic signs of a virus, which typically includes applications slowing to a crawl, locking up, and then completely shutting down. “At no point so far has this happened on any device we’ve yet encountered,” he said. “It’s weird… and kind of sad.”

At publishing time, Melton reassured the district’s Mac users that they could carry on with their day without a hitch, since, after all, there’s never been a virus for Apple as far as anyone can remember—mainly because who would even want to bother?