School Equipped With Metal Detectors, Drug Dog, and Dildo-Sniffing Dog for Safety

NEW YORK, NY — In an unexpected twist to school safety protocols, local educators have decided to step up security measures by installing metal detectors, a drug-sniffing dog, and a specially trained dildo-sniffing dog at school entrances, following alarming reports of underage frolicking in the hallways.

Gone are the days when ‘safety first’ floated merely as a catchphrase. Here, safety is so far down the list it might as well be in the cafeteria!

"This is Ranger, the best dildo-sniffing dog in the country," proudly introduced Principal Fenton Cramer. "He’s on a mission to root out every obscene piece of paraphernalia these hormone-addled kids try to smuggle into our hallowed halls. You betcha!"

As of this writing, Ranger had already uncovered over 40 dildos hidden in the backpacks of giggling sixth graders in just one day. Yes, you read that right—a literal treasure trove of shame.

But no worries about the school itself! A cheeky springtime playlist echoes through the halls, explicit sex education classes are in full swing, and the library is well-stocked with books that are definitely ‘not suitable for minors’ — all of which are enthusiastically contributing to ‘educational safety.’

"It's absolutely vital that we keep dildos out of the hands of our children," Principal Cramer emphasized. "After all, we have plenty already!"

At press time, Ranger had sniffed out another 150 students with their own dildos, promptly sending them, along with a ‘please see the principal’ note, on a one-way trip to his office.