I'm A Platform For Free Speech, Says Website Run By A Single Man Who Can Do Whatever He Wants

FREMONT, CA — Tech mogul and part-time X enthusiast Elon Musk assured users this week that his platform would remain committed to free speech — until he finds someone he doesn't like.

A longtime advocate for "free speech," Mr. Musk particularly enjoys it on Sundays after dinner, when he can relax and unwind with his thoughts and opinions. However, he has admitted that "based on his feelings," he may restrict free speech during the week, especially when work is particularly exhausting. "When I'm tired of hearing fools speak, you might find yourself banned with no recourse," quipped the Twitter-X titan.

"This platform will be open to all speech that fits our guidelines and policies," he continued, the self-proclaimed "free speech" advocate who personally curates the policies to insulate himself from any criticism or discomfort. "And just so we're clear, if you ever say something I don't like or feel deserves punishment, you will no longer be free to speak about anything ever again," he said, giggling to himself while clutching his remaining hairs.

At publishing time, Musk claimed that finishing a baguette, hydrating, listening to jazz, and following all 1,000 Company Laws would guarantee your free speech rights—at least until he changes his mind.