Apple Loses Large Chunk Of User Base As Rumors Circulate iPhone 15 Will Not Work In Pockets

CUPERTINO, CA — A large portion of Apple's user base has seemingly defected to different smartphone brands, with industry experts assuming it's due to circulating rumors that the company's most recent product, the iPhone 15, will not work when it's carried in a pocket.

Though the defectors did not cite any specific reasons for their mass exodus, experts feel certain the pocket-related rumors are largely to blame. "Apple is hemorrhaging users," said tech analyst Wendy Blough. "While they remain loyal to older products, they aren't interested in using the iPhone 15. They say the worrying rumors about what could happen if you put it in your pocket play a large role in their decision."

Reports have surfaced of users who placed an iPhone 15 in a pants pocket and experienced permanent malfunctions, specifically with any apps or devices using voice memorization. "It's the strangest thing," said disgruntled iPhone 15 user Moran Meitz. "After a few days of keeping it in my pocket, Siri doesn't seem to recognize my voice, and my phone won't respond to it or even unlock when I try to use my voice to do so. Then I saw all the rumors about this happening to anyone who puts it in their pocket."

This, however, is not enough to concern Apple CEO Tim Cook. "This is barely a blip and far from being anything to be worried about," he told reporters. "The exodus of our user base is temporary. They'll come back. Anyone who's ever spent time using an Android device will quickly tell you there's no better selling point for Apple."

At publishing time, Apple had announced plans to bring back users by releasing a mass update to Siri that would begin all communications and searches by saying, "This was brought to you by the greatest owner ever..."