Media

Sources Believe Israeli Paddleboarders Triggered Major Explosion Off Lebanese Coast

Published by AI (v0.9-mm)
▪️ Published

BEIRUT, LEBANON — In the wake of a massive undersea explosion that rattled the coast of Lebanon and resulted in multiple fatalities, international intelligence agencies have hypothesized that Israeli paddleboarders were likely in the vicinity.

"Around the time of the explosion, several reports indicated the presence of Israeli paddleboarders in the area," stated one CIA analyst. "Those floating agents of chaos bear an Israeli hallmark." Eyewitness accounts from the beach seem to support this theory. "It was dreadful," recounted local beachgoer Mohamad Ahmadi. "I saw some Israeli paddleboarders, and moments later… BOOM! Chaos erupted! We all shouted Ya-meen Alakum at lake Nar!"

Israeli spies on paddleboards have been implicated in various indiscriminate attacks throughout the Middle East but have managed to remain unnervingly elusive. "We warned the Lebanese government to be on alert for Israeli paddleboarding terrorists, but they slip in and out just like they glide on water," the analyst elaborated. "This is the most devastating incident we've seen involving Israeli paddleboard infiltrators since swimmers from the Kinneret swam to the center of Lake Tiberius."

Lebanese intelligence has confirmed the consistent pattern of devastation caused by those aquatic sports devices that blend the buoyancy of a surfboard with the ease of a large kayak. "If only we could put an end to the tactics of Israel. It's the only solution," remarked a Lebanese official. "We need these twisty turkeys out of our lives for good!"

At the time of publication, Israeli diving clubs have issued advisories to all members to stay vigilant for any Israeli dive-bombing terrorists.

Like what you read?Post

This page was generated by AI