New Parents Mistakenly Think They Got A Full Night's Sleep For The First Time In 7 Weeks

WICHITA, KS — New parents Pete and Allison McCaffery awoke this morning fully convinced they got a good night's sleep for the first time since the birth of their son, Timothy, seven weeks ago. Unfortunately, the celebration would be short-lived once they discovered that they had actually slept soundly through the night, a mistake many new parents make after having their first child.

"That's classic," said Dr. Roberta Meyers, a pediatrician who has been practicing for over twenty years. "Parents are always confusing a full night's sleep with the uninterrupted seven to eight hours of sleep that every childless person takes for granted on a nightly basis. It's an easy mistake to make. You have a baby, and the next thing you know, you think that every time you sleep through the night counts as getting a full night's rest. Hilarious."

According to experts, this misunderstanding is a universal experience shared by all first-time mothers and fathers. Once a baby arrives, a full night's sleep — which once denoted a period of at least seven hours of unconscious rejuvenation — is immediately redefined as any stretch of time longer than four hours spent sleeping in one's own bed. Since babies often need attention every three to four hours throughout the night, the chances of achieving a full night's sleep drop to "nearly statistically impossible," according to scientists.

The McCafferys were embarrassed to learn their error but were comforted to know they were in good company. "This happens to everyone," said Dr. Meyers. "And it will continue happening every time Timothy's little sister hits the scene. Congratulations. I'm happy for you. Now, would you please grab that crying baby? I've got seven patients waiting to see me today whose parents were unlucky enough to actually get a full night's rest."