Study Reveals 86% Of Slack Messages Come From That One Guy Who Only Works 8 Hours

SEATTLE, WA — In an era where remote work has become the norm, a new study has uncovered that a staggering 86% of Slack messages in a typical company are generated by that one guy who strictly adheres to an 8-hour workday.

"With so many employees working from home, it seems like some think they can just coast along by flooding Slack with messages to appear busy, but we’ve finally caught on," declared CEO Mark Anderson. "Slack messages can create an illusion of productivity. That’s why we’re switching back to good old-fashioned supervision—where a hyper-focused manager will keep an eye on everyone via video call from 8 AM to 5 PM. If you can’t see my gray hair behind me, you’re too far away!"

The study meticulously analyzed user data across hundreds of Slack networks, revealing that the bulk of inter-departmental chatter is predominantly led by one introverted overachiever who wraps up his 8-hour workday promptly at 5 PM. "Although we couldn’t identify every message sender, we are confident that most of the enthusiastic replies are coming from Eric, that quiet guy in the cubicle around the corner, who is always plugged in and diligently focused on his development tasks. Thanks to his relentless productivity, our mobile app is finally set to launch and monetize in June."

Company employees were left reeling from these findings. "Wait, you mean Jared only works 8 hours a day?" an HR employee exclaimed, her voice filled with shock. "That explains why he’s so cheerful and composed. He’s probably penning a bestselling novel or creating a famous painting in his downtime. We’ve got to find a way to crank up productivity around here!"

At publishing time, Mark Anderson announced that anyone who clocked more than 40 hours that week would be rewarded with a coveted 3-day weekend.