Awesome! We Found The Solution To Keep Miners Alive

U.S.—After reading a lengthy article that chronicled numerous mine disasters throughout U.S. history in an attempt to remind everyone that mining is extremely dangerous, a group of scientists have announced an easy solution to keep miners from dying: just don't let them go in the mines.

The article went to great lengths to list out every single disaster that resulted in a lot of deaths, but the researchers were undeterred. "Look, we get that mines have to exist and are full of valuable resources like coal and whatnot," one scientist said. "But all those deaths? Yeah, just keep the miners out of there. Problem solved."

The team of researchers also announced they could help the U.S. cut down on a lot of other deaths by employing the same tactic. "Did you know a lot of people die every year in airplane crashes?" the head researcher said. "Here's an idea: no more flying. You're welcome."

At publishing time, the group had failed to find a solution as simple for the problem of people being skeletons at the bottom of large bodies of water.