American Airlines To Switch To All-Furry Flights

DALLAS, TX — In light of the recent FAA ruling against flying with non-service animals, American Airlines has decided to ask the question on everyone's mind: why not just make all flights service animals-only flights?

"From now on every American Airlines flight will be exactly like my non-existent, completely-fictitious service tiger and I go on: entirely devoid of humans," said airline CEO Robert Isom. "We're making travel more convenient for people like me who - for legal reasons - didn't just cruelly dress up a critter from my backyard in a poorly-researched service vest. Regulation air travel will now be pet travel! A wooftastic solution!"

Critics offered their discomfort over how furry and wet the proposed flights will become. "This isn't a one-to-one trade," said passenger Doug Davis when asked about how he'd feel flying a flight full of doggos as opposed to dolts. "On a scale of one to pawsible, this might be as high as a four."

Nonetheless, American Airlines spokeswoman Keisha Gregory assured the planes would be distinctively different. "Our exclusive, patented A-Loo-Gator system cleans up after every flight like you wouldn't believe. Each and every drool-stained seat - complete with chewed-up armrest, clawed pillows, hair-caked carpets, fedxd-up bathrooms, - will be cleaned to an industry-standard cleanliness seen on almost no other airline."

American Airlines says paying paw-ssengers will have the option to bring a pet on leash or leave a tail-wagging vet at home, where any dog that's not a service animal legally belongs. Also available for $300 extra is an optional non-ruffler section for hyper-sensitive passengers who dislike the scent of dog breath.