Tech World Holds Breath for OpenAI's New AI That Decides What Meatloaf Sophisticates Eat on Their Chauffeur's Day Off

MONTEREY, CA — The elite of the tech world held its collective breath on Monday after rumors swirled that OpenAI, the esteemed creator of generative artificial intelligence, was contemplating releasing its latest software: a digital chef capable of crafting a portion of meatloaf that is just enough for a single bite.

"No longer must elite connoisseurs fret over a lack of gourmet menu options," said AI researcher Eli Googleman, daintily sampling the morsel on his plate. "We should no longer starve on the chauffeur’s day off when the butler has nothing but stale crackers to offer."

Celebrated chef José Andrés called the AI breakthrough "amazing" after trying a piece of meatloaf no bigger than a bird dropping. "Thank the Lord above! My failing restaurants across the globe could never survive cranking out portions this size, but this is truly the food of the future! A revolution in cuisine is upon us!"

Meanwhile, Carl Smithee, a coal miner and simple father of six, scrambled up a 100-foot iron ladder to access the lone Wi-Fi hotspot on his worksite just to catch the news. Though he suffered second-degree burns from balancing atop a slurry cooker, he declared, "This might be the most wondrous thing I've learned all week! I get to discover a new piece of software via yet another text-based video on a news site, and it’s a miracle that I made it up top to celebrate this breakthrough!"

At publishing time, OpenAI announced it would not be publicly releasing the software, a decision praised by AI charity Lawfare Center, which left everyday humans feeling even sadder than usual—an impressive feat given that they were already lamenting their everyday lives.