All-New NordVPN Encryption Added For Protecting Those Sketchy Emails

U.S. — In a bizarre twist of tech innovation, Virtual Private Network service NordVPN announced Thursday the addition of new encryption to emails, specifically designed to help users cover up their questionable activities.

"We understand that there's an increasing demand for secure messaging, particularly for emails that contain, let’s say, 'fringe' subjects," said NordVPN's CTO, Kappal Bakshi. "We’re thrilled to introduce NordLock — our revolutionary 2048-bit encryption — to help keep your most sensitive communications under wraps from prying eyes such as the FBI or IRS."

Insiders reveal that this cutting-edge technology will protect any email featuring subject lines like, "Bill's Orgy" or whispers of, "Weekend at Epstein's Ranch." Furthermore, NordMail will flag any sensitive language in the body of the email and offer up less incriminating alternatives.

“For instance, if an email openly requests a six-year-old, NordMail will suggest switching that to three 'adorable ducklings under six,' encrypting the entire message seamlessly. It's like having a lawyer write your emails for you—only much cheaper!”

At publishing time, a small disclaimer appeared online stating that NordVPN would only decipher emails when compelled by 'the powers that be', ensuring users can breathe easy while they type away. All in a day’s work for privacy advocates!