Nintendo Unveils New Broken Shell Of A Man "Tears-Of-The-Kingdom" Edition Switch

REDMOND, WA — In a shocking new marketing move, Nintendo has announced a limited edition product that’s sure to break hearts: the Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom “Broken Shell of a Man” Edition Switch.

“This special edition takes the essence of our beloved franchise to new heights—specifically, the depths of despair and hopelessness,” said Nintendo CEO Shuntaro Furukawa. “We’ve stripped away all joy and laughter, leaving behind a model that’s as empty as a gamer’s social life after a long session of Tears of the Kingdom.”

The box art features a downtrodden man with matted hair, greasy skin, and soulful, bag-laden eyes—clearly someone who has surrendered to the game’s relentless quest for heartbreak. “This tragic figure comes at a fraction of the cost of your average Switch owner,” Furukawa explained. “And it promises hours of entertainment at the owner's expense. Just think of the joy you’ll get from watching their spirit break!”

“We are thrilled to announce the launch of the first batch of heartbroken models later this month,” said Doug Bowser, President of Nintendo America. “This product proves that Nintendo has mastered the craft of emotionally demolishing players, wherever they may be!” Early reports suggest Bowser's son, Caleb, is among the first casualties of this endeavor, having been spotted wandering aimlessly in small circles while clutching a Nintendo Switch on May 29.

At publishing time, the sound of Bongo Bongo drums echoed throughout Bowser’s office, perhaps celebrating the birth of gaming’s new low.