Apple Introduces New Apple Watch That Slaps You Awake While Your House Is On Fire

CUPERTINO, CA — As the world eagerly awaits to see what cutting-edge life-saving features the next Apple Watch will have, the company announced its new Series 9 watch will gently slap you awake in the event your house is burning down.

"The next evolution of the Apple Watch draws us one step closer to the utopia we all deserve," said Apple head Tim Cook. "No one should have to die while asleep due to flames scorching their flesh. The new Apple Watch, through its advanced fire-detection capabilities, will gently nudge the wearer back into consciousness with a series of gentle slaps to the arm or chin, rousing them just in time to escape a horrific death and flee for safety in just their underwear. It's magic."

The announcement was met with heavy sighs of relief from Apple Cultists who had been existing in a state of persistent anxiety as they feared being roasted alive while slumbering. "This just changes everything," said longtime Apple Cult member Wilson Humbert as he tried on the new watch at an Apple Store, completely oblivious of the time passing by as he stared at it in wonder. "For the first time in years, I'll be able to sleep soundly, knowing my watch will slap me awake if my house is on fire. I haven't had a good night's rest in so long. Thank you, Apple!"

When informed that Apple's fiercest competitor, Samsung, had already introduced a feature in its watches that can detect your home burning down and slap you back to consciousness months ago, Apple leaders repeated their claims that the Apple Watch Series 9 would change everything yet still every bit as magical as a magical thing could be.

At publishing time, Apple announced the follow-up to this feature (to be included with a software update) would detect when your house was on fire while you were taking a nap in the afternoon.