New Rapture-Ready Helmet Unveiled For NFL Players

TULSA, OK — This week, Tulsa-based Pleasant Sound Sports unveiled the world’s first-ever Rapture-Ready helmet, specifically designed to keep professional athletes safe during that fateful day when the skies open and the faithful ascend.

Pleasant Sound Sports CEO Aaron Sholtz announced the groundbreaking product via a company-wide email. "As a Christian-owned company, our first priority has always been the safety and well-being of God’s children. Our new Rapture-Ready helmet ensures your game can carry on uninterrupted, even when the saints go marching home!"

Sources close to the company say the Rapture-Ready helmet packs an additional 20 pounds of super-absorbing padding to ensure that football players won’t float away into the heavens mid-game, leaving fans wondering if they’re watching a football match or a divine parade.

Despite reports that players labeled the helmet as the most absurd invention since the inflatable dartboard, the NFL’s safety committee has approved it for both practices and games. They confirmed that the helmet protects players even when faced with the very real threat of rapture—an event that could happen at any moment… or not at all.

At publishing time, the NHL announced that any hope of having a game with fans would be ruined by anyone wearing a Rapture-Ready helmet, as they would surely be swept away before the first puck dropped.