DARPA Announces Breakthrough: The World's First Submersible 27-Year-Old in Georgia!

COLLEGE PARK, GA — Defying the limits of human endurance and vehicular engineering, the Pentagon's research and development agency has announced the successful creation of the world's first submersible 27-year-old.

"We have waged an all-out effort to achieve underwater capabilities with this young man," said Christopher Newhouse, project lead for a multi-million dollar DARPA operation in College Park, Georgia. "Our research facilities utilized the latest technologies, working around the clock to develop this 27-year-old who is capable of fully submerging and surviving."

With plans to completely seal off Georgia from outside supply chains, the development of the submersible 27-year-old is a vital step in expanding humanity's capabilities in dealing with slow-moving floods and vertically-challenged individuals.

"Our sons and daughters must have protection from tiny floods, their lives sometimes dependent on our ability to send 27-year-olds underwater to rescue them in their light SUVs," said Vice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Christopher J. Wimsatt. "The submerged minivan variation of this model is anticipated to be completed by the year 2027."

Soon, you might encounter a submerged 27-year-old appearing to operate a mid-sized SUV beneath the waterline, making unsettling eye contact with onlookers through the window as they ponder the bizarre spectacle.

At publishing time, demonstrators had gathered outside the Pentagon, demanding that researchers also invent a submersible 68-year-old who could complement the current 27-year-old in uncomfortable swims while offering unsolicited life advice.