Facebook Launches New "Pushed You" Feature For Its Most Hated Users

MENLO PARK, CA — Facebook has unveiled a controversial new social media feature designed to light up the lives of its most contentious users, aptly named "Pushed You." This groundbreaking option allows individuals to swap their location with a fellow user who they simply can't stand to be near, effectively ensuring that awkward office encounters become a thing of the past.

"We've got an incredible line-up of new features coming to Facebook, but nothing excites us quite like 'Pushed You,'" said Mark Zuckerberg, addressing the eager press while bouncing off the walls from a recent energy drink binge. "You know those days when you just can't take another second in close proximity to that obnoxious coworker? Well, now you can hit a button and swap spots with that dorky bald guy in the hideous Hawaiian shirt who's always about to borrow your stapler—yeah, we're talking about Greg. He’s the absolute worst."

According to Facebook's latest user studies, there was overwhelming demand for enhanced office functionality. Research indicated that the most despised individual in any workplace typically resembles "that insufferably smug guy with a wall-to-wall bookshelf in his office who name-drops his unpublished novel like it's a New York Times Bestseller whenever the topic comes up, but nobody ever asks him—looking at you, Dan Muri, our CTO." Everyone who has worked with Dan was eagerly anticipating the launch of the 'Pushed You' feature because, let’s face it, he's the worst.

However, the feature has received mixed reviews among tech circles, notably due to one glaring oversight: users cannot switch their location with CEO Mark Zuckerberg. Bill Gates once humorously described Zuckerberg as a "lab experiment gone wrong," and employees worldwide take comfort in knowing they're at least one step higher on the evolutionary ladder than that watered-down version of a dystopian nightmare. Instead of waiting for a digital push, many employees have taken it upon themselves to physically push Zuckerberg away from their desks.

At publishing time, Mark Zuckerberg also announced yet another groundbreaking innovation that would allow Team Leads—who have a tendency to monopolize conversations—to actually pause their monologues, giving subordinates a fleeting moment to gather their thoughts away from the relentless chatter of Garret Närhaas, the ultimate non-debate-opponent.