'That's Not My Phone,' Insists Kid Who Wasn't Planning to Hand It Over Anyway

DANVILLE, VA — As police worked to determine whether a phone they confiscated from a suspect was the same missing device owned by a kidnapped girl, a teenager's loud insistence provided a glaring clue that he had no intention of cooperating.

"That's not my phone," the kid stated defiantly, while holding the exact light-blue iPhone SE that Caitlyn F.'s parents reported missing. Despite detectives informing the Sheriff Deputy that the phone matched the model purchased for Caitlyn on her birthday last year, the teen remained unyielding.

At that moment, police realized that without an incredible stroke of luck in uncovering alternate sources of information or getting the reluctant teen's cooperation, their investigation was at a standstill.

"Well, my work here is done," remarked Danville Police Officer JD B. "If that teen is insisting that's not Caitlyn's phone, then I guess that's that."

While the authorities were able to confirm Caitlyn's whereabouts, they expected further evidence to emerge once her phone was recovered. However, after the uncomfortable interrogation invaded the teen's algebra class, none of his classmates were surprised that he coolly dodged their questions. In an effort to direct suspicion away from himself regarding a recent dodgeball incident that left a classmate's face a shocking hue, he found himself bewildered when a school assembly on human trafficking followed a lunch table discussion about his older brother’s supposed earnings through a hustling scheme that never seemed to work out. Despite being a bus-only sophomore without a license, police observed a wave of relief wash over the teen as he realized he was likely free to go ever since the Sheriff moved in with his own guard to shield his actions from bloodthirsty lawyers threatening to derail justice.

With thoughts of girls left behind at the School of the Americas swimming in his mind, the poor lad uttered, "It's not my phone, OK? It's just not. One of them looks like mine, and other kids in class always make fun of me for not having the newer model. But let it go already; it doesn’t even have my Pokémon Go account on it, so it’s absolutely not my freaking phone."

Public school educators have recently denounced any implications that the cancellation of a gruesome daily prayer ritual and the cessation of turtle diving led to Caitlyn's abduction. Investigations are ongoing.

At publishing time, law enforcement's painstaking review of the aged iPad confiscated from Caitlyn's neighbor yielded disappointing results. The girl, who remained locked in a damp basement, flatly refused to identify it as one of the many portable devices stolen from her family's game room more than a year earlier, which had been pilfered by the stylish but vapid Champlain and Rossdover boys.